I wonder what goes on in the minds of men who decide that after making promises to move heaven and earth, find that heaven is too far and earth is too heavy. I’m talking about marriage and divorce. Ok, it’s not a ‘biggie’ in the western world, but for where I’m from, it’s a taboo that is rapidly becoming a norm – Nigeria. Before I got married, we talked about what we would not allow in our marriage – the D word. Then less than 4 years later, it’s all he wants.
So yeah, some have valid resons for getting out. Like maybe she suddenly sprouted and extra mammary gland, on her chin, no less. Or he’s a wife batterer. Those are reasons enough. But what of the completely innocent? I may have not been totally innocent but, isn’t that why the vows were written? When you love someone, you should know they are not, and will never be perfect. When you decide to marry that person, you should know that changes will occur. That sweet lepa will become orobo after giving you sons and daughters. She will fart in front of you and not apologise for it, afterall, no be crime. She will, after a while, not wait for you when you come back from work in that skimpy little thing. Her name will become Mama Bomboy. (Can I just say here, that after my one, I’m still as lepacious as before the big bump.)
So why is divorce the latest trend in Naija? One of the resons he gave was that he was too young when he got married. Abeg, dem force am? His family told him to wait a bit longer. He said no. He was sure of what he wanted and he wanted it now. He was warned that divorce is not an option. He swore it wouldn’t become one. Please, if you want to rock life, feel free. Rock the life before you make some promises to the young lady you have no intention of keeping.
This part here, is my opinion and mine alone. I think that some men, are actually boys trying to be men. Just like it felt good to wear daddy’s suits and shoes, they find out too soon, that their shoulders are not ready for the responsibility of a husband and father. Like the one I married. He cannot say what I did to warrant divorce. Was I a nagger? No. Was I unfaithful? No. Even though he would have the whole world beleive that. Did I disrespect him, before his friends and family or to his face when we’re alone? No. Not even a pointed finger he got. Was I a lazy-lady? No. Did he get it whenever? Yup. To my detriment sometimes. So why? I was becoming like my mother. See me see wahala. No be my mama born me? Abi na monkey I for resemble?
He was not ready for the committment it takes to build a ‘forever’ relationship. I was submissive to a fault. My friends and family called me a mumu wife. I took all his bad which shockingly(NOT), included infidelity. I forgave. My crime was just too much for him to forgive. Well, when I heard of what other women have gone through in the hands of these ‘boys’, I feel sorry for the girls with stars in their eyes. I’m sure some men left their homes because of unbearable circumstances, but for those of us who did no wrong, it is a painful thing to go through. Even though the number of divorcees are extremely high, I still feel like an outcast. I would have felt better, I think, if I did the wrong he accuses me of. I’d have had a few regrets. Now, all I have is what…where…when…HOW?
I’ve stopped trying to understand what happened or why. I am very ok. This is the first time I think he would be truthful if he said, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.