“What Are We?” The Most Dreaded Question In The Bedroom

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Disclaimer: For all ye advocates of no casual sex / no sex without commitment etc, kindly comot ya nonsense yeye eyes for this post make I no take pen chuk am for you!!! For the “body no be firewood” anthem singers, abeg make una congregate & hear, share & advice on your horror stories.
I’ve been toasting this babe for (only God knows) number of years. I don beg, I don lie, I don sing… Omo this chick no gree! I don even do gentleman, she no gree, I don turn kpako, she no gree, I don even because of her go church (name withheld) wey I swear say na only my dead body fit enter there and still this chick no gree!!!

One day I just dey yarn with boyz onto how we go take parole that night and see if 1 stray animal fit fall fall victim into this pack of hyenas and let the best man win. As we dey get ready, I dey inside shower as my phone begin ring (meanwhile all the babes wey don gimme wahala, get special group name; WAHALA & ringtone). As my nokia E-90 dey ring, dey vibrate, I don already know say na 1 wicked girl from my bad luck group wey wan bother my life that night but outta curiosity, I say make I just see which one. I look my phone, come see say na the latest addition for the group. I no even bother to answer & went back to finish my shower. As I comot from bathroom, ah ah…I see 3 missed calls from this chick… nna men, my heart skip oh! I think say I don commit one thing or the other & this babe don mention my name & say olokpa dey find me. I say make I dry my body first and then research my mind whether I don unconsciously trespass against this girl & karma wan come catch me that night. After I don dry up, wear boxers and singlet (just in case), I come call am. The phone no even finish the 1st ring, this chick don pick up. I wan come form agboro, so instead of saying “hello”, I ask am “how far nah”? Omo, the next thing I hear na “hello darling.” The 1st thing we come my mind na this popular proverb “whoever the gods want to kill, they first make mad.” Inside me, fear & excitement just dey boil together mixed with adrenaline for my belle. Men…I immediately break into sweat under A/C & fan. I reply…”hey beautiful, how you been?” and the following conversation follows:
Girl: I’ve been alright, just chilling & being bored at home.
Sanka: C’mon now…how you gon be bored in my city? (For my mind, I was like idiot, why u no go dey bored when you hoard urself, like 9ja govt. dey hoard fuel from her citizens? Conji go kill u!)
Girl: Well…there’s nothing to do, so I just sit back & kick it at home, watchu doing tonight
Sanka: I’m heading out with my boyz, abt 2 hit up a couple of lounges & see what’s good 4 2nite
Girl: Nice…come scoop me, I wanna hang with you 2nite & do something different
Sanka: Um…ur spot is way outta my route, catch a cab & meet me downtown & we can link up from there (meanwhile u know Satan dey take use ur mind, anything wey woman talk go be green light 4 ya eye, I don dey see devil vision say this girl wan knack me 2nite but I say make I form small)
Girl: C’mon now…its only 10mins away, please muuaah!
Sanka: [reluctantly coz I don remember all the blue balls this babe has given me] Ayt cool…get ready, I’ll be there in 20mins & I dnt wanna wait
Girl: Alright sweetie…c ya soon!

As I comot phone, I come think of how I go break away from my boys go scoop up this girl secretly, coz all of them don swear for me say if I bring her convo up again & bring her come near them, say all of ‘em go put hand & foot together jump me. I dress up quick, tell ‘em say make I sharply collect sumthin from my aunty (wey even my friends dey fear). As I enter I-75 for ATL (congregation center for county police & state troopers on weekends), just match my car reach 76mph, the next thing I see na one radar-toting midget in police uniform, I swiftly pull behind the car in front me & change lanes. 1 min later that car don get ticket be that oh! I was like this babe is the epitome of bad luck oh… na so I for take chop ticket because of this girl…God no go gree oh.

I gently cruised and finally get to her place; buzz am for phone & she begin come downstairs. As front down open… Omo!! Men, my jaw drop! Shawty had on some mini v-neck purple dress, perfectly highlighting her contours & e’rything. Thank God for the front loader in my ride, I quickly change from the ogene music I was drumming to, into some neo-soul/house mix, rush comot, come open door for her. As we jet off (in my imaginary plane), I just dey cruise 65mph make the music & a/c dey sink well well as my cologne & her perfume oxidize to produce pheromones all in the same vehicle (aka my jet). Conversation is great, better than anything we’ve ever talked about before, so as we approach downtown, the city is vibrant, traffic is dense…all signs point towards an exceptional night. I hit up my boys to find out where they are & they invite me over to this lounge, so I pull up with this babe, valet parking, music is on point, very anti-tout/agboro environment & no nonsense security with “come in peace or go in pieces” written in their facial expression. I open door for the babe, she walks & e just be like somebody throw raw meat into crocodile pond for Louisiana. As eyes from all angles don dey undress this babe immediately, I come bounce in with my 6ft 4′ physique, feeling like Diddy (even though I won’t spit on him if he’s on fire). As I walked close to her, omo…this babe come hook her arm around mine oh! My boys begin hail me instantly (u know say 9ja boys no get respect for environment at all). As we approach closer & my boys come notice who I carry enter, all of ‘em look themselves & then look me again.

We finally sit down & introductions & waving etc happen finish, bartender come take order nah; she’s gets a martini & I get a glass of vodka on the rocks, conversation don start. One of my boys apparently flabbergasted by what he’s seeing decides to play interrogator and starts asking this babe her intentions for me. In my mind, I just wan pour bleach inside his drink so he can quietly shut up but apparently the babe could contain the interrogation & after a while, we just swung into generally convo, had a couple more drinks and decided to check out some club with very international crowd. We get there and the line is ridiculous, I look up and see 1 of my bruhz, I shoot up da hooks & dude gets me in front & inside quickly. The atmosphere is right, music is on point, folks are grinding and whinning but we head for the bar again, grab drinks and head to the dance floor & behold, I’m staring at temptation from behind. Nna meen…this babe was so grinding on me, I literally became a bubble-head doll on the dance floor, and the only thing moving was my head, before I know wetin dey happen, I’m now staring at temptation in the face and in the process of thinking whether to go in for the kill or not (make person no wooze me slap) this babe grants my heart desire & plants a wet one of my lips. As I turn around, my guy don dey wink, dey chuckle like person wey see naked woman.

Anyways…it was a great night and we ended up going back to my place for some after hour’s food & gist. After about 1hr (about 4am), my boys decide to leave and make one last round of hunt for the night (whatever they are hunting, na only them sabi). I’m left with this perfectly contoured babe, lying in my bed and I decide to go take a shower (singing – when the wiskolo wiska enter the zanga the pasa-pasa means boyz don hammer) and prepare for battle (in case it is the Lord’s doing).

I come out of the shower and she jumps in and out of her clothes & borrows one of my t-shirts and slides under the comforter and the 1st make out session starts and lasts about 5mins, ending abruptly with a text message from my drunk friend, telling me how fucked up he was and I gladly replied him to “go jack off and drink bleach.” So we start another convo & another make out session and one thing leads to another and we are both in out nocturnal state and as I don elevate my double barrel, put hand for her trigger make I fire dey go, this babe grabs my hand and was like “wait for a sec, what are we?” Uncle bros…church don dismiss be that one oh! My libido just drop 70 percent instantly, chei!!! I look am…look at wetin I fit miss if I make the mistake of yarning dust in the next 30 seconds, I tell am say we still dey try figure this thing out now, so make we no overdo ourselves nah. The babe continues to press further, “so where do you see this going”? Hei…(I’m thinking to myself, I never do & e be like this, if I do wetin go happen?) and I’m like I don’t know, e never even enter that arena to begin think like that & after haggling for over 30mins, bringing the time to about 5:30/6am, nature took its course (deduce your own meaning & conclusion) but after that experience, I decided the risk was too much and closed the chapter on that one.

But boyz and babez, wetin man for do for this scenario cos sometimes, I dey think say I for just yarn am wetin she wan hear. Make I no lie, the thing dey pain me small sometimes when I think am.