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Musings Of An Igbo Hipster Girl – Part II [Pre-Marital Sex]

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Disclaimer: This is also not meant to be a judgment on anyone for his or her actions or life choices; I am merely just trying to get an answer to a question I have pondered on for a while. I am writing this from the point of view of a grown woman who while not ready to get married today is willing to work towards it.

I have been toying with the idea of writing an article about abstinence, but I didn’t know how to approach it from a Christian standpoint without sounding like Pat Robertson. Well today I was at a Bible study class about transformation. The whole evening was based on the bible verses Romans 12:1-2. The Bible study leader read a new translation from the J.B Phillips version:

“ With eyes wide open to the mercies of God, I beg you, my brothers, as an act of intelligent worship, to give him your bodies, as a living sacrifice, consecrated to him and acceptable by him. Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mould, but let God re-mould your minds from within, so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good, meets all his demands and moves towards the goal of true maturity.”

These verses hit home to me, especially the italicized portions. Of course it is not explicitly about abstinence and sex but it is about non-conformity.

By His Grace alone, I can say that I have somehow managed to not have sex. This is not to boast because I have crossed boundaries that I shouldn’t have. This is not a boast or an attempt to seem holier than thou because it has been a tricky dance between my faith, my mind, and my body. In society nowadays, abstinence is a somewhat of a very tricky topic, it’s not exactly a virtue that is applauded or appreciated even by very religious people. I have had more than one person tell me that no guy wants a virgin. I have also had some other guys tell me that a guy who really cares will appreciate it. Quite frankly, I don’t give a damn. I choose to not have sex because as an aunt of mine is fond of saying “I am answerable to a higher power”. That is all that matters to me.

Now this is my personal dilemma (and why I started with a Bible verse), how do practicing Christians justify pre-marital sex? Am I completely missing the point or is the issue of abstinence so outdated that this article is a joke? I have heard some really great reasons, which have some valid points. One of those is “what is marriage really? And why do I need a piece of paper from the government to say I am married?” This is a very good point, and even beyond the religious and civic claims, there is the issue of a culture. For example most Igbo families accept traditional marriage as a legal and binding contract (no piece of paper involved). For many other cultures, a basic marriage contract is entered as soon as you take a formal stand before family and friends to be committed together.

The most common reason I have heard though has to do with sexual compatibility, test-driving the sexual relationship, and things along those lines. But do we really think that we are smarter than God? Is it so hard to trust that a marriage can be sexually fulfilling without “test driving in the car”. God designed sex and he designed it to all that it is: GREAT, AMAZING and MIND BLOWING. Now this maybe this may be my sexual inexperience speaking, but despite this new age of supposed improved sexual compatibility divorce rates are still high, both in Nigeria and in the states. So apparently it takes a little more than perfect sex to make marriages or relationships work.

I also have a less religious reason for refusing to get bullied into having sex. If I am dating someone and simply overcome with love (or lust) that I must sleep with them, oh well! That’s that then. But to be pressured into having sex because my boyfriend can’t do without it? Absolutely a no-no. Let’s be real here, my fellow Nigerians, we know that Nigerian men are notorious for being unfaithful in and out of marriage. I think if a man can’t take 3 or so months to get to know a woman and decide if she could be a potential life partner and then commit to working towards that future with her sans sex that might indicate some future problems. What if she has a difficult 9 months pregnancy or they are apart for a number of years for reasons beyond their control? Say what you may but character is built over time. There is no magic in the words “I do” that makes a man or woman become what they aren’t. A person’s actions before marriage are highly indicative of their future actions. And since cheating will not be negotiable in my home (seriously someone will die, preferably him) I am very cautious with this. Another concern for many guys is what if it doesn’t work out? What if she is sleeping with someone else? What if…, what if… My response to that is that there are no guarantees in life or love. Getting hurt is simply a part of living, if you don’t like it; try dying because that’s the only way out.

If you aren’t a practicing Christian, who actively strives to be Christ-like then really this article is not applicable to you. But, and this is a big but, if you do profess to be a Christian and believe the Bible I really would like to hear from you. How do you justify having sex outside of wedlock (old fashioned phrase I know)? Is it really inconceivable for a couple to not have sex before marriage? Are my ideas about people (men in particular) who say that they won’t wait for sex unfounded?

NB: After you read this take a second to read Romans 12:1-2 again in whatever translation you would like and think of what it means to you.
Adios


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  • Chingum Girl October 10, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Don't mind the fake Christians. Go to church and be claiming holy, but still having sex with their boyfriend claiming that they're in love. psshhh. hypocrites

    • Rachel October 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm

      WOW… The essence of this article is to address a good question. Yet upon every response that does not tailor to your belief(s) dear author you see it as unreasonable. Your last comment (i.e. “Don't mind the fake Christians. Go to church and be claiming holy, but still having sex with their boyfriend claiming that they're in love. psshhh. Hypocrites”) sounds very judgmental and you seem somewhat sex-deprived – just kidding!

      Fake Christians,.. who are YOU to entertain such a thought, much less make such a condescending statement about anyone. I'm not a saint but yes l am a "virgin". That doesn't make a girl sleeping with her boyfriend/lover/boy-toy or whatever any less tainted than me. Since you know how to quote the bible, have you forgotten what is said in John 8:7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." The hypocrites according to yours truly are sinning by having pre-marital sex – What’s yours?

      What l feel anyone should take from this, is consistent “Love and Dedication to God” NO MATTER WHAT – 1 Corinthians 10:13 – God will not allow temptations that are beyond your ability to bear. He will always make a way of escape. "God is faithful." He will always keep this promise. It follows that you can break any bad habit and develop any good habit according to God's will. Yes, pre-martial sex is wrong so is passing judgment on others (especially someone you do not know, at least walk a mile in her shoes first). Babes, my point here is that just because Girl A is sleeping with her boyfriend and still going to church on Sunday DOES NOT make her a hypocrite. How about looking at the glass half-full as opposed to half-empty. At least she’s going to church on a Sunday because God accepts all who come to him as “They Are”. This world is filled with so much negativity already we don’t need more. Try writing a sequel to your article and let the purpose be that,… We need people in this world that will make a hopeless situation shine so bright that it’ll appear miraculous. So,.. it’s not hearsay if l write that becoming a mature Christian is a process of growth. You are born again as a baby and gradually grow up in Christ. You may look at mature Christians and think, "Why can't I be like them?" But they probably took years to mature. Do not be impatient with yourself. 2 Peter 3:18

  • 4evaGorgeous October 10, 2011 at 9:34 am

    @chingum gurl, i agree that the church is full of holier than thou people but honestly who are we to judge them? Let's leave the judging to God. As for me, i'd respect you whether you believe in premarital sex or not, only you and God knows your reason for your decision but i'd hate to be judged based on my decision.

  • nne October 10, 2011 at 9:42 am

    For me personally, I was raised in the Church, but it didn't mean I fully understood the concepts that were taught and I always silently questioned the precepts of Christianity. So even though on the outside, I attended Church and participated in the youth groups I didn't necessarily agree with everything I felt was "forced on us" It seemed like being a Christian was one big list of "thou shall not…"

    Point being, as I grew up and moved away from home, I still went to Church but out of curiosity experimented. I think that can be said for a lot of younger Nigerians who are practicing Christians. Of course, you can't question it openly because people like Chingum Girl above will call you a hypocrite.

    What it came down to at the end of the day for me was I had to fully understand the words in the Bible and how it applied to me personally, not what Pastor so and so yelled at me, I mean preached, on Sunday morning. That's part of growing up in Christ, getting that light-bulb moment of what a bible passage or closely related Bible passages really means to you personally.

    • Chingum Girl October 10, 2011 at 4:14 pm

      Why are you over here trying to speak english. It's pretty clear. If you claim to be a christian and you're claiming holier than thou, then sex shouldn't be an option. I'm not a saint, but I cant stand when people throw bible in my face, but are still indulging in the same things the bible preaches against. Period.

  • Jay October 10, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Well honestly there is no justification for premarital sex other than the inordinate desires of our flesh and the self gratification of the bosy. if you are a Christian, you know it is wrong. So doing it has no justification what so ever.

  • The Lord TeeJay October 10, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Well, I think God's position is clear about the subject. Sex is to be practiced and enjoyed within the context of marriage, and I am a proud advocate of that. Not because I am so holy and I never got involved in premarital sex. The issue is what is God's position? Am I going to do it God's way or allow my flesh, cravings and lust to have the better part of me.

    I didn't make it to marriage as a virgin, but I have friends who were able to. I still have friends who are in their mid thirties and are still virgins, and I do not think any other babe is happening more than them.

    So it all boils down to whether you are ready to exercise your will in God's grace or you are going to keep giving excuses for the flesh. The truth however remains, if we must please God whom we professed to be serving, then we must be ready to obey Him in all things. But the important point is that, obeying God must be out of a love father and child relationship and not a commander/subject relationship.

  • Regis October 11, 2011 at 1:48 am

    hi
    I'd like to share my views on this issue. Your ideas are not unfounded at all(men and women alike). But I would like to establish that there is a way out and there is one guarantee. The answer is to serve God. The world around us might have made seem like promiscuity and infidelity have become a norm but really and truly, there are people who are chaste and who are living and serving God truly. Its an interesting verse of scripture you quoted here. I wish I had all the time to shed more light on it but I would encourage us to study God's word and grow in the knowledge of him and in his grace.
    My dear writer, I understand your where you are coming from but I don't personally accept it darling. Sometimes the reason why we seek a way out comes to question. This is not to judge you at all. I am just letting you know that there are virtuous women as much as there are virtuous men. This is independent of environment,race, social status or what anyone might think and say.
    A man loves God and serves him truly. A woman does same. This man will find his woman in God. That way, they can never get it wrong.
    The 'test driving' still doesn't guarantee anything. some people go ahead to pick wives and husbands from church. Even that is not necessarily a guarantee because people change. A man or a woman who was so devoted to God and church could change. But if you still to God, he will direct you to the one (proverbs 3:6). And who can best direct you save for God. God is spirit and knows and searches the very intents of hearts(Jeremiah 17:10). And man is a spirit. (1 Corinthians 2:11). Hence there is a need to have the holy spirit and comit urself to serving him. Then get ur mind renewed and pay no attention to what the world says or thinks. God's word is sure. As we do our part, God is sure to keep his..
    Thats why I beleive and know that there is love and life is beautiful. Atleast for me if no other person believes it…
    God bless you all
    There shouldn't be sex before marriage and i stand by what the bible says

  • sweetest Idol October 11, 2011 at 4:41 am

    Serious Issue here,but ​i guess a lot will say Here we go again, D̶̲̥̅̊ same old topic,but we really need to consider it over again @ chingum gurl,​i really think ur been more personal ‎​i̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊ dis case,try and free ur mind and U̶̲̥̅̊ will judge(if at all U̶̲̥̅̊ have to) better.
    Even been a christian(as it ΐƨ D̶̲̥̅̊ best dat can ever happen to someone)ΐƨ a great experience with a lot of responsibility(doing it D̶̲̥̅̊ Gods way)there re still shortcomings were D̶̲̥̅̊ Holyspirit help wen U̶̲̥̅̊ yield to him. It takes a lot frm us,but ♓☺w many of us re willing to submit. We have all got weakness,but thank God for His Strenght.
    Let’s be slow to judge,dis issue God personally convicts us thru our yielding to His intructions thru his word.
    Great write up.

  • @SpirytSista October 14, 2011 at 1:20 am

    I AGREE 100%.

  • Wole November 3, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    I agree with Rachael, we are not to judge our neighbors, after-all sin is sin, whether you have sex, you tell lies or you steal you are all sinners, there is no big sin or small sin. Yes we are Christians but overall we are flesh and blood hence imperfect we all strive for perfection with the help of God. We are all bound to sin, even David the man described to be after God's heart committed murder (Killing bethsheba(not sure of the spelling)'s husband, then having adultery with her). Once there is the guilt and admission of sin, there is always hope because God always welcome us back with open arms, but once you are wrong and can't see the wrong in what you are doing, then there is a problem. Finally let him without sin cast the first stone

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